The Quiet Pressure of November
What Parents May Not See as Exam Pressure Begins to Build
November can be a strange month in the school calendar. The enthusiasm of September has settled, routines are established, and the reality of the work ahead is becoming clearer. For some young people, this is when the pressure begins to creep in.
Pressure can slowly build from several directions.
Perhaps students know their mocks are approaching and they become anxious about their ability to revise and whether they are doing enough.
They feel pressure from school to demonstrate their progress and what they are likely to achieve in their summer exams.
They may feel pressure from home as parents and other well-meaning adults seek to encourage them to get going and get through.
And all these pressures feed into their own growing awareness that time is ticking and their future is in their hands.
Pressure isn’t confined to the summer months. It can start much earlier and affect progress much sooner than schools and families might appreciate.
What parents see on the outside as their youngsters go through this can vary and it doesn't always tell the whole story.
We all know of those who pretend to be fine and sorted when actually they are struggling and unable or unwilling to ask for help.
And who hasn’t witnessed worry and anxiety wrapped up in a defensive response or sullen, distanced behaviour.
So how should you handle revision time as a concerned and supportive parent?
- Look beyond the behaviour.
A young person who snaps, withdraws or avoids revision may be struggling with feelings they cannot easily explain. It doesn't necessarily mean they're being difficult or lazy. We can sometimes hide our true feelings behind other behaviours when we don't know how to explain ourselves or don't want to appear vulnerable. - Listen before offering solutions.
It’s natural to want to fix things but that isn’t always the best solution. Diving in with suggestions based on your own experiences may not reflect what your young person is going through. They need to know you hear them and are willing to talk through what’s going on.
You don’t have to be the fixer. Knowing you are open to a conversation without judgement might fix a gap in the relationship that could matter more in the long run than a bunch of impersonal suggestions.
Two questions – same intention
Imagine one scenario – checking up on your young person’s study timetable.
Question 1 – Have you done your revision today? This may be heard as a heavy, judgemental question implying they often leave it late, don’t get it done and get easily led astray by distractions.
Question 2 – How’s the revision going? A much gentler way of trying to get at the same information. This open question is more likely to get an honest response as it shows a genuine interest in their progress, plus a willingness to be present and listen to their reply. It doesn’t come with any underlying story, it doesn’t presume or accuse, and is instead showing your availability for any conversation that follows.
Same intention. Different approach.
Which approach is more likely to encourage an open conversation?
Helping them with the next step
There’s often a difference in perspective between parents and students at revision time.
Your young person may come home with a revision timetable all nice and visual which they share with you. Or they may not.
They may be secretive about their study plans or may not have drafted a revision timetable at all.
It makes no difference if you can see one or not – as a parent you will have an idea of the amount of work that is going to be required within a set time frame and you might even be able to see how that might all get mapped out and fitted in.
From your perspective, it's a workload to be fitted into the available study periods.
All doable, you may think. But for your struggling young person, they may see the whole whammy — an enormous amount of work they somehow have to get through.
Rather than see this as a bite-sized process, depending on their perspective, they may view this as an insurmountable amount of work that they can’t possibly hope to get through.
You see a linear timetable. They see all the work that has to go on behind it!
Rather than focusing on the whole timetable, help your young person identify one manageable task they feel ready to tackle.
A simple question such as “What's one thing you feel you could tackle today?” gives them the opportunity to make their own choice and begin with a sense of control.
Demonstrating your support
Let’s face it. Study comes with stress and expectation. Everyone has a different and personal experience of school exams. Some flourish and show up with enthusiasm and others flounder.
Knowing your young person helps you understand what kind of support they need, and when they need it. That might be time and availability on their terms, rather than on yours.
It may mean listening rather than talking.
Noticing rather than ignoring.
Asking rather than telling.
Using encouraging words that recognise achievement and progress rather than hastening them on to further effort.
Celebrate small milestones. Leave space in your diary and your home for the odd conversation.
It doesn’t have to be a big head-to-head or heart-to-heart. It can be quiet but there.
It can show connection while still giving them space.
Not all revision conversations need to be intense and interrogative to show your care and concern.
Notice the signs of struggle and be willing to adjust the support you offer.
It may not be the way it was for you. But it may be just what they need from you.
Looking for practical ways to support your young person?
My Revision & Exam Infographics Pack includes eight easy-to-follow visual resources to help students develop effective revision habits, build exam resilience and feel better prepared.
Available to download for £9.95, the pack offers practical ideas students can use at their own pace, with encouragement and support from home.