Listening for Success: Why Every Conversation Matter
Introduction
I've often heard it said that we have two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak.
Whether that's true or not, it does make us stop and think.
Thought to Consider
Listening is one of the greatest gifts we can give another person.
Listening is one of the most powerful skills we have, yet it's often one of the first to disappear when we're under pressure.
Throughout our schools we have students, teachers and parents desperate to be heard and understood. There are so many of us busy doing our best who just feel we’re not being listened to.
That makes us feel misunderstood and less inclined to participate.
Why listening matters
When this basic need isn’t met, we can feel separated from our colleagues. The result of this separation shows in how distanced we feel from school life or on the other hand, how connected we are and inclined to give our best.
This isn’t just apparent in our students. It’s in all areas of our schools including our
- colleagues wanting to feel valued
- parents wanting to feel understood and
- leaders wanting to feel in control of their teams
Why is it that we stop listening?
Is it that we are so busy focussing on our own needs and motivations that we fail to notice those of others?
Or is it that we fail to noticing because we haven’t stopped to ask why that matters?.
I think both are true. The noise around us is intense. The distractions we encounter every day seem to multiply and we need to be super disciplined to shut them out.
What can we miss?
The problem is that by not listening we can miss so much more than we think.
We may miss
- The casual remark by a student talking about a peer who’s having a challenging time
- A colleague sharing important information about someone or something at school
- A member of our SLT struggling to find their way as a new team member
- A parent keen to be involved in their child’s personal struggles with the school system or exams
When we shut down our awareness of these things we’re not only saying ‘these don’t matter to us’. Perhaps, more -importantly, we saying “you don’t matter”.
What our listening skills says about us
It doesn’t matter at what part of an interaction we dis-engage or if we don’t connect in the first place. When we withdraw our interest in important conversations others can’t fail to notice our lack of motive to understand the bigger picture.
That says more about us, than about anything else.
We can defend our actions with well-meaning excuses or move to prove our validity. Either way, by not listening to ourselves, and our colleagues, we do everyone a dis-service.
If we fail to listen how will hear a call for help?
If we switch off before a conversation is ‘done’, how can we be sure we read it right?
If we react based on our own needs, rather than the person we’re listening to, then how can we bring the best of us to what we do?
Thought to Consider
The point is that every conversation matters to someone. And because it matters to someone, it should matter to us too.
We hear more than words
As Educators we work in our schools to guide, support and inspire. We want our colleagues, or Leaders, our students and our parents to feel part of a connected and respectful community.
So that means we need to make ourselves available to have those small, big and middle-sized conversations.
It’s content, not size that matters
It’s not the size of the conversations that’s important. It’s what we learned in the process, and what we’ll do with the insights we gleaned that will mark us out as acting for the good of everyone
We’re used to social media and the many distractions they bombard us with. They run on a self-fuelled need to be heard. Ego drives them.
Look out for the quiet voices
The conversations we need to have are not the “look at me” ego driven ones.
The exchanges in which we might be able to make a difference are the almost missed, quietly spoken voices that say, “please listen ….”.
They should be our focus. The loud voices are used to response. It’s the small voices hiding in plain sight that we should make ourselves available for.
Listen. Nothing else may be needed
Just listen until they stop speaking. Without interruption.
They may not need an answer from us, there and then. They may just need a safe and temporarily silent place in which to share. To be acknowledged, Respected and allowed to speak on what matters to them.
That’s what our community needs from us if every conversation is to be heard in a world of endless voices.
How do we turn down the noise?
So how do we do that when we have our own heads crammed with thoughts for the day?
How do we turn down the noise and allow someone else’s voice to take precedence over our own?
My honest answer? - the thing that drives all things about who I am, my personal standards and my attitude towards others?
It’s Mindfulness. Let me explain why I think that works here to make every conversation matter.
Why Mindfulness helps us listen
When we practice Being Mindful, we accept many positive aspects of looking at the world – and those around us.
Mindfulness encourages us to be non-judgemental and to put our opinion and prejudices to one side during every encounter with another human being. Period.
As we become more allowing, and accepting (of our colleagues, students and parents in this example), we are thoughtful about what we say and what we do. In short, we watch how we walk our walk and talk our talk.
Each of these things will make us better people to live and work around but together? Well, we can’t help but be more attuned to the needs of others.
Mindfulness asks us to Notice what’s going on (if someone needs to talk).
To Be Present - to be consciously ‘in the room’ during every chat, phone call, email, meeting, etc.
If we’re doing that then we’ll become better at watching when our colleagues need a moment or two to talk, or a student needs to ask us a question.
Start tuning in
We will be, as the Beatles say tuned in and turned on’ to what’s occurring about is.
So please don’t dismiss this as “that listening malarkey”.
Think instead, if you were the one who had something to say and you didn’t feel able to share it.
How would that make you feel?
How would you feel if someone cut you off mid-sentence to put their pennyworth in, or presumed that they knew your situation, before you’d had a chance to air and share it?
These conversations can be as simple as
Pause - Reflect – Respond.
Pause – Having set up space for sharing, allow the conversation to flow, then pause and listen
Reflect – as you consider what’s been shared, think how you can clarify or check you’ve understood everything right. Set up the right searching, open questions to do that and only then
Respond – either to make sure you’ve understood what’s passed between you or to agree the next step
It’s not rocket science, but it is the start of a meaningful, mindful practice that can see you establishing a trust and respect within your school corridors as the person who listens, who cares, and who understands.
Now that has to be something worth working towards.
Thought to Remember
Sometimes people don’t need us to have all the answers. They simply need to know they’ve been heard.
This week, choose one conversation. Don't interrupt. Don't solve. Don't advise. Just liste and Notice what happens.
Before you move on, take a few moments to reflect,
- Who might be quietly asking for a mindful conversation with you?
- How can you set that up and commit to Notice, Be Present and Be non -
judgemental? - What areas of your conversations could you work on to understand what others
need from you? - Start to think about howe you Listen to those around you in your whole school
community
Quote
Seek first to understand, then be understood”
Stephen Covey - Educator and Author
Key Takeaways
✓ Listening is an active skill, not simply hearing.
✓ Students need to feel heard before they are ready to engage.
✓ Small changes in the way we listen can significantly improve relationships and learning.
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